Tuesday, August 3, 2010

A Rant

Oh, hello. I didn't see you there. Please excuse me for a moment, will you? I'll get to you in a minute. I'm looking for something. It's killing me, too, because I just had it yesterday. What in the world could I have done with that damn box? Ah! There it is, hiding in plain sight.

You just never know how important a box is until you don't have it. Am I right? Sometimes you need it to house some of George Carlin's stuff, sometimes it is your own stuff. When you are moving, you may need a great many boxes in a great many sizes. Other times, you simply need one box. Like today. At this very moment in time all I need is one moderately-sized box. It doesn't need to hold very much. In fact, I will not be putting anything in it at all.

It just needs to support my weight.

That's right. It's a soapbox! And you, my friend, will be my audience. Thanks for volunteering.

What's that you say? You didn't volunteer. At least you don't remember having done so. Well, that's alright. I'm here. You're here. Think of this as Hotel California. You know: "You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave."

Let us begin, shall we? Now, now, come back. I have a place for you right...here.

I have something that I would like to rant about. Since I'm on vacation this week, none of my 100+ employees are forced to listen. My kids have heard this before...many times. They neither approve of what I am about to say, nor do they feel compelled in the least to sit here and be forced to listen to it yet again. Why I cannot control my two boys, I'll never know. I'm sure it has something to do with past practices, but I am reluctant to agree that the blame is mine. Naturally, I blame their mother!

Kidding, of course.

Just what, you ask, is the subject of this rant? Procrastination? Ha! You're an amusing one. NO! IT IS NOT! It is the yawn! What? What do you mean by that laughter? I assure you that it is quite important, indeed. Stop that laughter at once. I beg you. (Please.)

From my kids, to my employees, to the man on the street, and finally to the cute woman that I just happened to stare at for a full minute; would you all please cover your mouths when you yawn! My children do this incessantly, and when I correct them, they complain that I am the only person on the face of God's Green Earth that gives a rip about this. Well? Am I? I look forward to comments.

Wait! Not you. I'll allow you to leave, but not just yet.

My wife just reminded me that President George Washington had once weighed in on this topic. I looked it up. Apparently, while only 16 (my eldest son's age - I should show him this, If I could only trap him as I have you), copied an English translation of a French book on manners. It was entitled, Rules of Civility & Decent Behaviour: In Company and Conversation. Among the 110 points that he made, he made the following: "If you cough, sneeze, sigh, or yawn, do it not loud but privately, and speak not in your yawning, but put your handkerchief or hand before your face and turn aside."

Thank you, Mr President. I never thought I would here myself saying that.

To my children, I say: "Do what I tell you, damn it!" Oops! Did I say that aloud? Okay, let's try that again. "Please, guys, it really isn't just me."

To my employees: "Are you bored? I do have other things that I need done today if you would like more tasks assigned to you..." That's what I thought.

To the man on the street: "If I want to see someone with a chunk of food hanging out of their teeth, I'll watch Jaws again!"

To the cute woman in her early forties that I was staring at, I apologize for that. I assure you that I discontinued staring when I noticed you yawn. You see, you have a great many features with which to attract someone. Unfortunately, your gaping maw is not one of them.

Thanks for listening. I will let you leave now.

We'll talk soon. ;)

12 comments:

  1. I cover my mouth when i yawn *grin* actually my friends tease me cause I do this cute little 'back hand' cover. Apparently it looks ridiculously dainty ;p

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  2. Hmm! I think we might need to see a photo of this so-called dainty mouth-covering manuver. For a judge's ruling, of course, on it's cuteness. LOL! Speaking of photos, I originally hoped to follow my own cat around for a while until I could get a shot of his yawning. Alas, I had to borrow another's photo. I was too busy painting a bathroom yesterday.
    Thanks for the comment.
    P.S.: Don't think I won't be expecting to see that photo, however. I will be checking your blog often for its unveiling, as it were. ;)

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  3. I've been known to yawn without covering my mouth, granted I don't think I ever have an empty hand. I tend to do the elbow covered yawn, which, many times is futile.

    Though, the reason that people started to cover their yawns has nothing to do with propriety, but with superstition.

    The ancient Greeks believed that a yawn was the soul trying to escape the body so it was important to cover one's mouth in order to keep the soul in.

    In the reading of your post I yawned no less than five times! Ha!

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  4. Damn, I wrote a whole long comment and it got lost b/c I was signed in under the wrong name-- curses!!

    Suffice it say I agree.

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  5. I have this same problem with my son! Not the ten year old twins, but my 13 year old. I catch and say "cover, cover, cover." I hope and pray that some day he won't need me to say this when he yawns. Fingers crossed.

    You can rant on that soapbox any time and we'll be here to listen!

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  6. Thanks for stopping by ladies. I got the alerts that you had been here, but I was busy painting one bathroom and mounting new mirrors in both. And before you ask what I charge to do that work at your place, forget it! I only do it here because our couches are not comfortable! ;) Just Kidding!
    Talk to you soon...

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  7. I always cover my mouth when I yawn, usually because I'm trying to hide it!

    I must say that was a very polite rant!

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  8. At home I'm 50/50, but in public it's a must to cover up. It's okay to rant.

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  9. Talli and Crimey, I want to thank you for covering...er, I mean for stopping by. LOL! I wanted to rant a bit, but not offend. Sometimes I think I have been too firm, and then I hear from someone like you, Talli, who offer that I could have pushed harder. I just wrote my post for Friday's Wicked Writers where I tell the folks to get over their whole e-book reluctance. We'll see how it plays on Main Street...

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  10. Just stopping by all the blogs I follow – Thought I would check in with everyone! Stop by The Wormhole if you get a chance!

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  11. I don't yawn. I live a yawn-free existence.

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  12. Thanks for stopping by, Beverly. I did stop by your's, but all that I saw were men without shirts. I'm 41 now, I even close my eyes when my shirt is off!! LOL! I will return when you have photos of ladies without... Now, now; let's keep this PG-13, shall we?
    No yawning at all, Missed Periods? Even if you lead the most exciting life imaginable, you must come across some boring people once in awhile, present company excluded, of course.
    Thanks again, ladies. It's always a pleasure to find comments on one's posts.

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Thanks for stopping by. I really appreciate you taking the time. I'll get back to you here or on one of the other social networks. It's not like we're not on all of them, right? ;) Also, if you're here to give me an award - bless you. However, your friendship and visits are more than enough. Thanks and blessings.