A Rant

Oh, hello. I didn't see you there. Please excuse me for a moment, will you? I'll get to you in a minute. I'm looking for something. It's killing me, too, because I just had it yesterday. What in the world could I have done with that damn box? Ah! There it is, hiding in plain sight.

You just never know how important a box is until you don't have it. Am I right? Sometimes you need it to house some of George Carlin's stuff, sometimes it is your own stuff. When you are moving, you may need a great many boxes in a great many sizes. Other times, you simply need one box. Like today. At this very moment in time all I need is one moderately-sized box. It doesn't need to hold very much. In fact, I will not be putting anything in it at all.

It just needs to support my weight.

That's right. It's a soapbox! And you, my friend, will be my audience. Thanks for volunteering.

What's that you say? You didn't volunteer. At least you don't remember having done so. Well, that's alright. I'm here. You're here. Think of this as Hotel California. You know: "You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave."

Let us begin, shall we? Now, now, come back. I have a place for you right...here.

I have something that I would like to rant about. Since I'm on vacation this week, none of my 100+ employees are forced to listen. My kids have heard this before...many times. They neither approve of what I am about to say, nor do they feel compelled in the least to sit here and be forced to listen to it yet again. Why I cannot control my two boys, I'll never know. I'm sure it has something to do with past practices, but I am reluctant to agree that the blame is mine. Naturally, I blame their mother!

Kidding, of course.

Just what, you ask, is the subject of this rant? Procrastination? Ha! You're an amusing one. NO! IT IS NOT! It is the yawn! What? What do you mean by that laughter? I assure you that it is quite important, indeed. Stop that laughter at once. I beg you. (Please.)

From my kids, to my employees, to the man on the street, and finally to the cute woman that I just happened to stare at for a full minute; would you all please cover your mouths when you yawn! My children do this incessantly, and when I correct them, they complain that I am the only person on the face of God's Green Earth that gives a rip about this. Well? Am I? I look forward to comments.

Wait! Not you. I'll allow you to leave, but not just yet.

My wife just reminded me that President George Washington had once weighed in on this topic. I looked it up. Apparently, while only 16 (my eldest son's age - I should show him this, If I could only trap him as I have you), copied an English translation of a French book on manners. It was entitled, Rules of Civility & Decent Behaviour: In Company and Conversation. Among the 110 points that he made, he made the following: "If you cough, sneeze, sigh, or yawn, do it not loud but privately, and speak not in your yawning, but put your handkerchief or hand before your face and turn aside."

Thank you, Mr President. I never thought I would here myself saying that.

To my children, I say: "Do what I tell you, damn it!" Oops! Did I say that aloud? Okay, let's try that again. "Please, guys, it really isn't just me."

To my employees: "Are you bored? I do have other things that I need done today if you would like more tasks assigned to you..." That's what I thought.

To the man on the street: "If I want to see someone with a chunk of food hanging out of their teeth, I'll watch Jaws again!"

To the cute woman in her early forties that I was staring at, I apologize for that. I assure you that I discontinued staring when I noticed you yawn. You see, you have a great many features with which to attract someone. Unfortunately, your gaping maw is not one of them.

Thanks for listening. I will let you leave now.

We'll talk soon. ;)